To Live
by Shin Sankai
Summary: Hakkai continues to have a reoccuring nightmare and one day it seems to come true and Hakkai has to show his Youkai self to the one he never wanted to see it...Sanzo [Hakkai POV]


To Live 

By Shin Sankai

Authors Notes: Nothing much to report except its Hakkai's POV, probably pointless and down right weird and means absolutely nothing. Oh well… I've been absent for so long, I have no knack for writing it seems.

OooooooooooooooooooooooooO

He'd only ever heard about my other side, my…youkai side, but Sanzo had never truly seen how horrible I could be. Around him, around the others (Goyjo, my dear friend and Goku, whom I felt I was an older brother to) I was nothing more then the ever-smiling Hakkai. I remained calm, pleasant and yet as I smiled over ever little thing (unless I was alone where I couldn't smile any longer) I was sure the others thought everything was fine within me. I kept on hoping I would continue to fool those that I travelled with, for excess baggage for Sanzo was never a good thing. I had suspected at times that Goyjo might have had an idea that I wasn't being my true self, but of course Goyjo was never one to pry…usually.

As we continued on our way west, Sanzo smoking in the passenger seat, a little vein throbbing at the side of his head because just like clockwork Goyjo and Goku were arguing in the back. I on the other hand, kept my eyes on the road and my fake smile in check.

"Na, Sanzooo…" Crooned Goku, ready to complain to the golden haired man that had become his guardian and saviour. "I'm hungry, when are we gunna stop for food?"

"Urusai na, baka saru!" Sanzo yelled back as he shifted in his seat to smack his harisen over the small boys head. Ah, it was just another wonderful day heading west indeed. And once more just like clockwork, not too far ahead a swarm of zombie like demons were forming…and thus I slowed Hakuryuu down.

"Sanzo…" I muttered calmly and quietly like the Cho Hakkai they knew and watched as amethyst orbs narrowed in the direction I had been staring at. I didn't catch the exasperated sigh I was sure that would leave Sanzo's lips and instead listened to Goyjo and Goku bellowing about how they needed some exercise so as to keep their minds wondering onto food (Goku) and women (Goyjo).

We each stepped out of the vehicle, Hakuryuu transforming to fly above us while Goku and Goyjo summoned their weapons and Sanzo pulled his gun from his robe sleeve, his cigarette still pressed between his lips, looking slightly like Goyjo in a way. It was best I didn't say that though, for I was certain that Sanzo's gun would turn on me…and I never wanted that to happen.

"Genjo Sanzo you shall die!" One of the demon's yelled as though it was written on a script before he and the others charged at once for Sanzo, but of course Goyjo, Goku and myself wouldn't allow anything to happen to him and began our attacks as well.

A long time ago, perhaps over 6 months ago, the four of us had been caught in a storm and I'd finally stumbled upon an inn to rest in. We had all gotten separate rooms and I tried sleeping, tried forgetting the rain and ended up having a most horrifying nightmare. Usually it would always be about Kanan, my dear Kanan whom I couldn't protect and yet that particular night, as I lay on the single bed, I tossed and turned, my mind plagued with images that sent me into a cold sweat.

The one I couldn't protect in the end, in that nightmare of all nightmares…was Sanzo.

Something happened, something went terribly wrong. While being distracted by numerous foe Sanzo had been taken from us. This of course made Goku extremely mad and Goyjo complained about having to chase after the 'useless' priest man (even though I knew he was worried as well) and I…I was beyond livid. When I'd been taken to The Three Aspects by Sanzo, I'd listen to their requests and vowed to follow this man anywhere…and protect him with my life. Of course I hadn't spoken that part aloud, for Sanzo hated anyone protecting him. He hated having a weakness and therefore felt compelled not to show any, but he forgets that a weakness remains constantly at his side. Goku.

In this nightmare we went running in the direction Sanzo had been taken in and by the time we got there, we had to split up to search in all directions. I had no choice but to race up flights of stairs and turn into the youkai I had become as Sanzo remained tied up, with several demons around him wanting to kill him. As I had stood undetected in the doorway, my blood boiled so much I could only see Sanzo's mouth moving, voicing words to the pathetic demons around him, coaxing them to do their killing and yet all I saw was red. My limiters were gone, a ghastly scream broke through the entire room, perhaps even echoed down the stairs towards the other rooms and next thing I knew I was standing in a pool of blood with pieces of demon scattered about my feet while their blood dripped from my clawed hands.

My haunting greyish coloured eyes stared down at Sanzo, while his amethyst ones bore up at me with so much hatred. His teeth grit together before a loud word that echoed throughout my entire body escaped his lips:

Murderer… 

The hatred in those eyes had been too much for me. Sanzo had finally seen the youkai I truly was and had rejected it and with that sudden news piercing my heart (which I thought was no longer there) I'd run from him, run from the others and had never returned.

"Oi, Hakkai, behind you!" I started out of my reverie, remembering that myself and the others were in fact in the middle of a fight and turned around, too slow to lift a hand up for protection as a crowbar like weapon smacked over the side of my head, slamming me into the desert sand.

"Hakkai!" I heard again, only this time it was slightly muffled. Perhaps I was concussed? I wasn't sure but I sat up on my shins, blood dripping down my head, moving over my glass eye as it dripped off my chin and onto my hands. All I could do was stare at it. It didn't matter that I could feel the chi of other demons swarming around me, ready to put me out of my misery, but of course that didn't happen. Instead instinct grew within me and I don't remember ever screaming so loud before. It felt like when Goku had turned into his heretic form the first time when Sanzo had been injured all those months ago. My entire body shifted, vine like tattoo's swarming over my skin while claws, teeth and hair grew. I don't even recall what the others were doing at the time, but within seconds the 10 or so demons that had surrounded me were disintegrated within seconds. Though I was sure I was never in my right mind when in youkai form, I did however always seem to have the power to place my limiters back on, only this time I didn't stare at any of them…especially Sanzo.

I walked to where Hakuryuu was waiting in jeep form and sat in the drivers seat, not caring at all that blood and guts stained my usual unblemished clothing. Goyjo and Goku for once not talking about how easy the demons were to kill off got into the back and it took Sanzo a little longer to get into the passenger seat. For the rest of the ride, not a single word was uttered.

OoOoOoO

We finally made it to an unnamed town that hadn't been on my maps heading west and found what seemed to be the only inn in town. As I placed on the brakes, Goyjo muttered something about women, Goku went with him knowing he could score food somehow and Sanzo went straight into the inn. I followed our illustrious leader and found him walking up some stairs, keys in hand and watched him move around the corner, his back always to me. My eyes dropped to the floor until I was taken from my thoughts by an elderly as he gasped at my state of dress.

"Goodness young man, what happened to you?"

"I'm sorry, there was an accident, could you point me towards the bathrooms?" I try and smile politely at the inn owner.

"Are you staying here?"

"Yes, there are four of us, the man in the robes has gotten the keys already."

"Ah, I see, yes the four rooms are next door to each other, we aren't that busy this time of year." I doubted they were busy anytime of year. "Oh and the bathroom is upstairs, to the left and straight down the hall, the same direction your friend went in. I'll have Koari bring you some towels and a change of clothes since it looks like you are travelling extremely light."

"Thank you very much." And with that I slowly headed upstairs. So, for the first time in a long time, I was rooming without Sanzo…and it hurt.

I didn't eye any of the four doors I passed on my way to the bathroom and instead moved into a stall and turned the hot water on full blast. The heat scorched my skin red, but I didn't care. I watched globs of demon blood rush down the drain. I was ready to rip off the clothing, scratch endlessly at my skin, knowing the blood had seeped into my pores but a knock at the door alerted me to a visitor. A clacking noise followed (it being her shoes) as 'Kaori' placed towels on the bench outside the numerous stalls in the bathroom and then she left without a word. With even my socks and shoes drenched like the rest of me I slumped to the ground in the stall and remained there for…who knows how long.

OoOoOoO

When I awoke I realised I was staring at a dark ceiling and not the brighter one of the bathroom. I sat up in the bed I had been resting in and noticed I was dressed in a pair of black trousers and a white button down shirt, which ironically fit me.

"Hakkai, are you okay?" I darted my blurry eyes to a pair of concerned golden orbs as Goku fidgeted in his seat right beside the bed. I observed as a hand dropped onto the young boys head and found ruby coloured eyes staring down at me as well.

"The saru found you passed out in a stall. With all that blood rushing into the centre of the bathroom you freaked the monkey out and he came screaming down the hallway yelling for help."

"I wasn't screaming!" Goku yelled in defence.

"Urusai na baka saru!" My eyes darted to the window where I found Sanzo sitting on the ledge and smoking his usual packet of cigarettes.

"Sanzo…" I couldn't help but mutter as I stared at him, he now dressed in blue jeans and his black ensemble he wore under his robes.

"Come on saru, let's get some more food."

"YAY FOOD!" Goku bounded out of the room and I watched Goyjo wink at me before closing the door.

"Either get what you have on your mind out now…or I will kill you." I guess there really was no hiding from Sanzo.

"About 6 months or so ago…I watched you die." Finally amethyst eyes turned to look at me. "Of course it was only a nightmare, but its been plaguing me ever since then. You are taken from us and we follow. I take the stairs trying to find you and come across you bound and muttering things, terrible things to demons that have surrounded you."

"What things?"

"I am not entirely sure, as I can only read your lips, but I'm positive it is 'get on with it then, give me nothingness, give me death'. This of course is something I never wanted to hear from you and so the next thing I know I've run towards them, my limiters gone and have slain the lot of them. In this nightmare it is the first time you have ever truly seen my youkai form…and…"

"And what?" I listen to Sanzo say as he isn't smoking his cigarette and looking like his usual nonchalant self. In fact, he's staring right at me listening to everything I say.

"And you reject it." The room falls silent as I stare down at my hands, finally noticing now I have bandages on both hands and also a larger one around my head. I'd obviously been injured a lot badly then I thought. I recall the head injury, but not the ones to my hands.

"Today, once I'd been smacked over the head, the blood brought this nightmare back and instinct came out that I not only needed to protect myself from the enemy, but also you as well and turned youkai to do so."

"Who said I needed _your_ protection?" A bitter chuckle escapes my lips. I knew it would be like this.

"No one said so…except myself. You who fought for reasoning of giving me a second chance at life, I agreed to follow you wherever you wished to go and had also promised on my new life to protect the one who gave me another right to live."

"We live for ourselves not others." Sanzo snapped at me, his eyes blazing in annoyance at my apparent stupidity…and I couldn't help but laugh aloud, truly laugh for the first time in a long time.

"What the hell is so god damn funny?" I was really making him angry.

"I'm sorry Sanzo, I thought that once I looked into your eyes, I would never see anything but disgust within them for you have now seen the real youkai Cho Hakkai."

"Idiot!"

"Eh?"

"Your youkai self has already been described to me in full detail not only by The Three Aspects, but by Goku as well. I've fully known about you all along. Here I thought you were smart enough to realise this."

"I'm sorry."

"Che, its not like I can get rid of any of you three while going west. Besides the other two would be first to go before I'd ditch your ass out even though these days you seem to carry the most excess baggage." I cannot help but smile at Sanzo's words and watch him irritatingly take a long drag of his cigarette before getting down from the window seal.

"That is the real Cho Hakkai…and that is how you should live."

"Eh?"

"You really do piss me off, you know that?" I watch Sanzo throw something onto the bed before heading for the door. "Get your rest, we are far from our destination." And he speaks of nothing else as he leaves the room with a defiant click of the door.

I look down at the object on the bed and flip it over as I stare at my own reflection looking back at me only to see a smile, a true Cho Hakkai smile on my lips.

To Sanzo this was the true Cho Hakkai and I was meant to live for this. However, in the semi darkness of this room I wouldn't just live for me…I'd live for him too.

Oo The End oO


End file.
